I Know More Now

Yesterday, I wrote about my name.

I wrote that Nayeebah did not arrive to me with a blueprint. That there was no meaning handed down for me to live up to. I loved the idea that instead of history telling me who Nayeebah was supposed to be, I would spend my life telling history what Nayeebah meant.

Then I sent the piece to my father.

And I learned something.

I was wrong.

Nayeebah does have a meaning.

And although my father thought of the name, my mother was the one who decided to make it mine.

I didn't know that.

What a blessing to know now.

I could go back and quietly edit what I wrote. I could make yesterday's version of me sound as though she knew what today's version knows.

But she didn't.

And I like her anyway.

She wondered about something.

She followed the thought.

She made meaning from what she knew.

She shared it with someone she loved.

And because she shared it, she learned more.

There is a particular freedom in realizing that being wrong does not make an expression worthless.

Sometimes being wrong is how the conversation begins.

Had I waited until I knew everything there was to know about my name before writing about it, perhaps I would never have written about it at all.

Instead, I wrote.

My father responded.

And now I know something about my mother that I didn't know yesterday.

A woman I did not have the opportunity to watch become herself still left evidence of herself in me.

She chose.

She decided.

She named me.

There is something else I know now, too.

Learning that my name already had meaning doesn't take away my ability to define it.

Maybe it makes the whole thing richer.

I inherited a word that meant something before I arrived.

Noble.
Distinguished.
Excellent.
Of high importance.

And then I got a life with which to answer it.

Noble.
Distinguished.
Excellent.
Of high importance.

Yesterday, I thought I had been given a blank page.

Today, I know someone had already written something at the top.

My mother wrote my name.

I still get to write the rest.

I know more now.

And tomorrow, God willing, I'll know more still.

With love,