Anger?
I think anger might be the stage I'm in.
How dare they?
And by they, I mean the people I love who have the audacity to live their own lives, pursue their wildest dreams, and be happy doing it.
The nerve.
Of course, I'm happy for them. I love that they're living. I love that they're choosing themselves. I love that the world is big enough for them to imagine a life beyond the one they've known.
I just hate that the life I imagined included them, too.
And now my imagination has to make some adjustments.
Ugh.
It hurts.
I've spent a good portion of my life learning to love without possession. To admire something without needing to have it, become it, or keep it close.
A beautiful silhouette. Defined arms. Broad shoulders. A shaved head. Full hair. A complexion that catches the light just right.
Ooh, I can admire it all.
Some things are amazing simply because they exist. They don't have to belong to me.
Other things, though, are even more magical because they're mine. Like my calm, low, slightly raspy voice.
Ooh, I love that voice.
And I love that it's mine.
Lately, I've been discovering that what I want most isn't necessarily something new.
I want to enjoy what I already have.
The people. The places. The familiarity. The relationships that have been growing quietly alongside me.
I want to see how good it can get.
And I think that's what hurts so much about change.
Sometimes, when someone leaves, you're not just saying goodbye to what you've experienced together. You're saying goodbye to everything you imagined you still might.
The ordinary afternoons. The celebrations. The little milestones. The moments you never thought to plan because you assumed you'd simply be there.
Someone else might get to be there instead.
And I hope they're wonderful.
I really do.
But I wanted to be there, too.
I think I'm grieving a future that hasn't happened yet.
A future that was never promised to me, but one I had already begun to love.
And my heart is broken.
Not because anyone has done anything wrong. Not because I believe love should keep people in place.
But because I love them.
Period.
Always.
Period.
I remember the first time I experienced this kind of heartbreak.
Third grade.
Nicole Myers.
I'll never forget that girl. Her long blonde hair, her easygoing spirit, the way we could just laugh and laugh.
I remember being outside my house, crying, knowing that things were changing. I think I may have tried calling her on the last day of school. Maybe she didn't answer. Maybe that's just how my memory has arranged the moment.
But I remember the sadness.
And I remember something else.
Years later, whenever I found myself in that same spot, I'd remember that little girl crying.
And I'd think, That was so sad.
But I'm okay.
I moved on. I made friends. I experienced life. I grew.
And still, if Nicole Myers ever happens to read this, I hope she knows that somewhere in the world, a woman she knew in third grade still remembers her fondly.
Isn't that something?
We can move through so many chapters of life and still carry people from the earliest pages.
I suppose the people who have loved me have experienced this, too.
I've moved. I've grown. I've pursued things. I've gone off and lived my life without realizing how much someone else might have wanted to be part of it.
And now I'm on the other side.
I'm noticing.
And because I'm noticing, I'm learning something about myself.
I want to be a freaking tree.
Seriously.
I want to stay put.
I want to be that big, beautiful tree people recognize when they pass by. The one they remember climbing, sitting beneath, or leaning against.
I want to be the place you know how to find.
Not because I refuse to change.
Oh, I want to change!
I want my leaves to fall and grow again. I want to turn beautiful colors. I want new branches, deeper roots, a fuller crown.
I want to experience every season.
I just don't want to keep uprooting myself to discover what else is out there.
I've done some looking.
And the world is beautiful.
But so is the life right in front of me.
I don't want to spend so much time searching for something extraordinary that I overlook the extraordinary things already growing around me.
I want to see what happens when I stay.
How deep can these roots grow?
How wide can these branches reach?
How beautiful can a life become when I stop looking for another one?
And maybe that's another part of this heartbreak.
When people leave, the roots don't disappear. The love doesn't disappear.
But the way we grow together changes.
We won't get to see what might have happened if everything had stayed the same.
And I know, I know.
Something else can grow.
Something wonderful, even.
But sometimes I don't want to hear about something else.
Sometimes I just want to miss what I love.
My sister once described the way I show up in people's lives.
She said I pop in, give people what they need, and disappear until it's time for another dose of Nay.
Ha!
Apparently, I don't stick around for very long.
But somehow, I'm there when I'm needed.
I think about that now.
Maybe I've been someone's tree all along, even when I wasn't standing right beside them.
Maybe being a constant has less to do with where you are and more to do with what remains true about you.
I love the people I love.
They don't have to see me every day.
They don't have to call me every week.
They don't even have to remember me the way I remember them.
My love doesn't require their participation to remain real.
And I find that beautiful.
I'm still sad, though.
My heart and soul are in agreement. They understand what's happening. They accept it.
They're just sad.
And that's okay.
Because I know something now that I didn't know when I was that little girl crying outside her house.
Distance doesn't erase what happened here.
It doesn't erase the laughter, the affection, the ordinary days, or the love that made them extraordinary.
It doesn't erase the person I was when we knew each other.
And it certainly doesn't erase the person I became because we did.
So perhaps this is another branch.
Another extension of a life I am learning to love more deeply.
God, show me how good it can get.
How far can I grow?
How deeply can I love?
How much of this beautiful world can my branches reach while my roots remain right here?
And to my girls,
You are loved beyond measure.
You are loved unconditionally.
Your Tita Nay is always in your corner, and I am one of your biggest fans.
You are going to do amazing things. Not because you have to prove anything, but because there is already so much wonderful about you.
You were loved from the very beginning.
And you will be loved for as long as I am here to love you.
No matter the distance.
No matter the time.
We are bonded.
And I am so happy we got to do life together.
Even as our lives continue to grow in different directions.
I hope you always know where to find your tree.
Always,
